Slumber

~ keilan

It’s been a good minute
Since my pen touched the page
My mind hasn’t been in it
Been feeling five times my age
I’ve got projects unfinished
So many deadlines delayed
Perhaps I overcommitted
I didn’t plan to be in pain

For four hundred days, my life has been askew
Been impatiently waiting for it to begin anew
This condition is inhibiting, the waves of pain are riveting
I know there have been good days, but only just a few

When the time is right, you’ll know how much it really hurt
How this monster in my body dragged me through the dirt
How this disability’s been killing me unwillingly
But even through the agony, I still wandered the Earth

The North Sea’s frigid waters
Froze me to my soul
And from atop Mount Fløyen
I connected with the cold
My past self became a stranger
So I had to let him go
There’s a doubt and anger
I abandoned back in Mexico

There’s an inner child
Who I met again in California
He told me This life is wild,
Never say I didn’t warn ya
Looked a raven in its eyes
So much beauty I beheld
Within the seas, and in the skies
I can’t help but see myself

This season of pain has been quite hard to process
But I know there’s light in the dark
On this treacherous sea, how am I not lost yet?
Love must be guiding my ark

I’ve been held together by family members
A handful of friends, and a lover
Without these guardians, how could I ever
Make it from one day to another?

How deeply ironic, how sweetly poetic
I had to be brought to my knees
To be shaped into someone truly empathetic
Perhaps it was my destiny

To use my words and my passion for art
In the healing of suffering souls
It’s time for my work to transcend my heart
It’s time to accept a new role

A friend of mine was asked
What he’s trying to become
And he replied a man who listens
Now I’ve adopted that task
And I’ve barely just begun
But I know it’s a worthy mission

For the first time in life
I understand the weight
Of devoting myself to kindness
When I emerge from this strife
I’ll be a force against hate
Giving more than just cheer and politeness

But in order to give love
I have to love myself
So now my days consist of
Caring for my health
I redecorated my walls
Lit up my home with color
Even if it seems small
I think it’s helping me recover

I cut my hair yet again
One less thing to fuss over
Back in touch with my friends
So glad when they come over
Bought myself new clothes
Never cared much for fashion
Now I get dressed up alone
Trying to show myself compassion

From my bodily pains to my spats with depression
Hindsight somehow smooths out all the edges
So I need to recollect and reflect on my lessons
If Hell can exist inside my body, so can Heaven

I have overcome more than I remember on the daily
I have endured wars, although my memory betrays me
Even though this current chapter frequently frustrates me
It’s part of my life story, I know better days await me

I am in more pain than I was a year ago
But I’m far more sane than I was a year ago
And I don’t think I’d trade the last year for another one
I’ve been speaking to the universe in my mother tongue

I’ve been thinking often about young Keilan
I wonder if he’d have some conflicted feelings
If he saw me staring for hours at the ceiling
Sending up prayers while I’m on the floor kneeling

Maybe he would find his future unappealing
Or be a little frightened by the demons I’m concealing
But I know he’d be amazed with the secrets time is revealing
And I hope he’s okay with devoting this year to healing

I used to stare out my window
At the Chicago lights
Nowadays I feel a bit low
On cold Chicago nights
I’m learning that it’s okay
To lean into my body’s seasons
In the winter, there’s dismay
And I’m done demanding reasons

I’ll be back to morning walks
Evening drives, days of passion
Overly ambitious talks
That I follow up with action
Days of peace, nights of romance
Overflowing with fulfillment
Waking up and taking no chance
At missing a single moment

But for now, I slumber
I shall not wander the Earth
This is not my fruitful summer
Yet I have not lost my worth

For now, I shall rest
And I am far from ashamed
In this moment, I am less
But I am loved all the same

71 thoughts on “Slumber”

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